A 35-year-old woman is very worried about her husband’s close relationship with his coworker. Even though she used to feel secure in their marriage, she started to have doubts after noticing some troubling signs. She wrote to us, sharing her story and asking for advice. Her instincts are telling her something is wrong, but she wants to be sure she’s not overreacting.
Andrea, 35, sent us a letter that seemed like a real plea for help. She wanted to know if she was right to be concerned about her husband’s relationship with a coworker.
Andrea began her story: “I’m 35 and work as a beautician. I’m married to Paul, who is 33 and works as an engineer. He’s smart and capable, and I’ve always been proud of him. Paul has a coworker named Alyson. She’s 30, very attractive, and also smart. Paul is very close to her and even calls her his ‘work wife.’
Before the events that made me seek help, I didn’t have any reason to worry about their relationship. I always felt secure in our marriage. Paul and I are independent people, and if we weren’t happy, we would have left. We’ve been together for 8 years and married for 2.
Last month, Paul and I went on a 3-day work trip with his colleagues, which is an annual tradition. When we got back, I felt uncomfortable about the trip. It seemed like Paul and Alyson were more focused on each other, and Alyson’s husband and I were just there as extras.
During dinner on the second night, I felt ignored by Paul for almost two days. Alyson’s husband and I were quietly talking to each other while Alyson and Paul argued loudly. Alyson suddenly asked us what we were talking about. Her husband said we were just getting to know each other because they were busy discussing things we didn’t understand. Alyson laughed and said, ‘What could we discuss with you? Makeup and pop stars?’ while looking at me. Then she added, ‘We have more intelligent things to talk about.’
I was shocked. She seemed to think that because I’m a beautician, I’m only interested in celebrities and makeup, implying that I’m not smart. Paul just laughed, and Alyson’s husband thought it was rude. I didn’t say anything because I was disgusted by the situation. On the last day of the trip, I mostly spent time with Alyson’s husband and avoided the other two.
The woman wrote, “Recently, Alyson’s husband texted me. He wanted to talk about our partners and said he felt uncomfortable with his wife’s relationship with my husband. He showed me screenshots of their messages where Paul and Alyson were calling me stupid and laughing about it.”
Andrea explained, “Most of the messages were Alyson saying mean things about me, and Paul was laughing along. Sometimes he’d add comments like, ‘But I love her,’ and Alyson would reply, ‘You only like ignorant women because they’re easy to live with.’ Paul laughed, thinking it was a joke. There were also texts where Paul complimented Alyson’s intelligence, saying things like, ‘I love your brain.’”
Andrea confessed, “I cried when I saw the screenshots. I’ve always been self-conscious about my intelligence and job. I love being a beautician and thought my husband did too, or at least didn’t look down on it. I’ve been my own boss for over 12 years and make a good income. I never saw myself as stupid. I’m educated and passionate about history, languages, and cultures, even if I’m not an engineer. The compliments to Alyson hurt me more than the jokes about me. I’m really confused.”
Andrea wrote, “I confronted Paul and showed him the messages. He asked why Alyson’s husband was spying on her. I explained it was because he didn’t like how things went on the trip, and I was also uncomfortable.”
Paul’s response was unsatisfactory. Andrea wrote, “He seemed confused and said Alyson was just jealous and I shouldn’t worry about her. I told him it wasn’t just about Alyson but that he was okay with and amused by her putting me down. Her husband even checked her phone because he was so uncomfortable. I asked why he let her humiliate me in their texts. Paul said she was petty and jealous, and he didn’t want to lower himself to her level. He thought I was doing the right thing by ignoring her rudeness.”
Andrea added, “Two days ago, Alyson’s husband called me again and said Alyson admitted she had feelings for my husband and thought he felt the same. She said they kissed at a summer work party. I confronted Paul, and he admitted they kissed but said he rejected her and told her he wasn’t interested.”
The woman wrote, “I don’t know what to think or do next. I feel that Paul loves me, but I can’t shake the feeling that something is going on with him and Alyson. I’m so confused and my family doesn’t want to talk about it, thinking I’m being too dramatic. This situation hurts so much. What should I do?
