Marriage is about sharing responsibilities and finding common ground, but even small habits can cause conflict. A quirky irritation has become a battle, testing one man’s patience and their home’s harmony.
Explaining what was happening.
My wife (F30) and I (28M) have been married for 2 years and together for 5. Our plans to start a family were put on hold and may not happen. My wife and I work similar hours and earn similar wages.
My wife and I used rock paper scissors to schedule our days off. I think we got a fair cut, but she got more dishes. More or all the laundry was mine.
Wife hates dishwashing. She hates it so much she sometimes shuts down and cries when she sees them in the sink. Before, when I saw her crying, I helped her, switched chores, calmed her, and it was fine.
But while doing this, I noticed she was crying on purpose, so I washed the dishes. After I took over, her tears stopped and she went do something she liked without a care in the world, laughing and smiling. I knew she was faking it. No more relaxation.
We changed our dishes to “whoever makes the dish washes it” like children, except for cooking. Because they worked hard for dinner, the cook didn’t have to wash the pots and pans (her suggestion, which I liked).
This worked for a while until I realized my wife made more dishes than me and didn’t want to wash them. She exploded when I asked when she would wash dishes after I made dinner at her request. I left the dishes but did as she said. The next day, she asked why the dishes weren’t done, and I said she didn’t. This caused a fight, so I washed them but was upset.
I do most of the laundry because she won’t and I won’t wear dirty clothes. She just needs to put the laundry in the basket. End of story. Our basket holds darks, colors, and whites. I handwash her underwear basket because she insists on it.
She’s not putting clothes in the basket. I picked up all her clothes and washed them because it wasn’t a big deal, but when I saw her take them off and leave them on the floor because “I always pick it up,” I left them. She exploded when I told her her clothes weren’t done because she hadn’t put them away. Same story.
Fighting recently culminated this. Due to our fights, my wife has been getting lazier to push back, so I started doing all her chores on top of working, but I thought, “why am I even doing this?” and stopped. Her days were cluttered with dishes, dirty clothes, and crumbs. On my days, everything was clean.
She decided to buy more dishes and clothes to compensate for her inaction. This frustrated me beyond words. She bought plastic spoons and forks, paper plates, Walmart t-shirts, and other cheap alternatives to her nice ones at home. I started throwing them.
When she saw me throwing her cheap alternatives, she exploded again, and I raised my voice for the first time since we started dating. As a big man with a deep voice, I scared her, which I regretted.
I immediately lowered my tone and told her she wasn’t doing her part and was wasting money on useless things when she could just clean up and put clothes in a basket. Despite my many apologies, she cried and said she doesn’t feel safe with me and that we should divorce. This broke me.
Accidental yelling. No one wants to hear the whole story, which makes me feel lonely and crazy. My female friends are either neutral or supporting her. Friends are leaving me. I feel jerky.
Was I wrong? I just wanted her to clean up. I regret never hurting her or yelling at her. I wasn’t trying to scare her, but I was frustrated because this has been building for months. I know throwing away the disposables was immature and I should have cleaned up after her, but I was frustrated.
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