A 35-year-old woman is feeling very uncomfortable about her husband’s relationship with a coworker. Although she has always felt secure in her marriage, she began to notice red flags in her husband’s behavior. She reached out to us, sharing her story and asking for advice because her instincts tell her something is wrong, but she doesn’t want to make mistakes.
Andrea, 35, wrote to us saying she’s worried about how close her husband is to one of his coworkers. She wanted to know if she was right to feel negative about their relationship.
She started her story, “I’m 35, and I work as a beautician. I’m married to Paul, who is 33 and an engineer. Paul is smart and very intelligent, and I’ve always been proud of him. He has a colleague named Alyson, who is 30. She’s very attractive and intelligent. Paul is close to her and even calls her his ‘work wife.’ Before all of this, I never felt uncomfortable about their relationship, and I was always secure in my marriage. Paul and I are both independent people, and we wouldn’t stay together if we weren’t happy. We’ve been together for 8 years and married for 2.”
Andrea continued, “Last month, Paul and I went on a 3-day trip with his coworkers, which is a yearly tradition at his job. After the trip, I felt uneasy. It was like I and Alyson’s husband were the third wheels, while Paul and Alyson spent all their time together.”
She explained, “On the second night of the trip, during dinner, I was feeling ignored by Paul and was quietly playing with my food. Alyson’s husband and I started talking to each other because our spouses were busy with their own conversation. Alyson suddenly turned around and asked what we were talking about. Her husband said we were just chatting since they were busy discussing things we didn’t know about. Alyson laughed and said, ‘What could we talk about with you? Makeup and pop stars?’ while looking at me. She added, ‘We have more intelligent things to discuss.’”
Andrea said, “I was shocked. She made me feel like I was just a stupid outsider who could only talk about celebrities and makeup. My husband just laughed, but Alyson’s husband called her out for being rude. I didn’t say anything because I was disgusted with the whole situation. On the last day of the trip, I spent most of my time with Alyson’s husband and ignored Paul and Alyson.
The woman wrote, “Recently, Alyson’s husband texted me because he wanted to talk about our spouses. He said he also felt uncomfortable about Alyson’s relationship with my husband, so he checked her messages. He sent me screenshots where Paul and Alyson were basically calling me stupid and shallow and laughing about it.”
Andrea explained, “It was mostly Alyson saying mean things about me, and Paul was laughing and adding his comments. Sometimes Paul would say, ‘But I love her,’ and Alyson would reply, ‘You only like ignorant women because they’re easy to live with.’ Paul would just laugh like it was a joke. When they weren’t talking about me, they were discussing work, and in one message, Paul told Alyson, ‘I love your brain.’”
Andrea said, “I started crying when I saw the screenshots. I’ve always been self-conscious about my intelligence and my job. I love what I do, and I thought my husband appreciated it too. I’ve been running my own business for over 12 years and make almost six figures. I never saw myself as stupid—I enjoy learning about history, languages, and cultures. But I’m not an engineer working on advanced designs, and I guess that’s why these messages hurt so much, especially when he complimented her. I don’t know what to think.”
Andrea continued, “I confronted Paul and showed him the messages. He asked why her husband was spying on her, and I told him it was because he was also uncomfortable with how things were going on the trip. I told Paul how I felt the same way.”
Paul’s reaction didn’t reassure her. Andrea wrote, “He seemed confused and just said that Alyson was jealous and I shouldn’t worry about her. I told him that Alyson wasn’t the problem; it was that he allowed her to put me down and even laughed about it. Even Alyson’s husband was so bothered by it that he went through her phone. I asked Paul why he let Alyson disrespect me like that in their texts. He insisted that he thought she was being petty and didn’t want to sink to her level. He said I handled her rudeness well by ignoring it, and that’s what he was trying to do too. When I asked why she was acting this way, he had no answer.”
Andrea added, “Two days ago, Alyson’s husband called me again. He told me Alyson admitted she had feelings for my husband and thought Paul felt the same. She also confessed they kissed at a work party. I confronted Paul again, and he finally admitted that she kissed him, but he said he pushed her away and told her he wasn’t interested.”
Andrea wrote, “I don’t know what to think or do next in this awful situation. I feel like Paul does love me, but I can’t stop thinking something more is happening between him and Alyson. I’m so confused, and my family isn’t supportive—they think I’m overreacting, but this really hurts. What should I do?
